Autumn is to fall...

My beautiful grandmother has lived to the lovely, ripe old age of 85 - a life jam-packed full of experiences, perhaps I'll tell you all about them one day.

How is it though that some people are blessed with longevity and some are not? A young man who lived with us last year died yesterday in a car crash whilst on his way home to his family for Christmas, travelling with friends from high school, friends he had known since he was a teenager, friends from his home-town who he had undoubtedly missed whilst at University, but with whom he was reunited on this trip. It would seem that he had done the unexpected and died from 'youth', rather than, the over-used and redundant, 'old-age'. He had been having fun with friends, likely chatting and listening to tunes before tragedy struck. Within hours his mother had thoughtfully instructed someone to post on his facebook wall to prevent anyone from being in the distressing situation of sending an inappropriate message in a time of loss and sadness. Yet immediately his wall was filled with missives of grief directed to him - it seemed trite to me, but here I am blogging about it. This is no better; it is derivative at best and disrespectful at worst. However, the point of this blog is to encourage honesty and dialogue, to talk about the things that have strangled us for so long, kept us quiet and ignorant. This blog is intended to stimulate discussion; not necessarily on this page, but at least in your own consciousness and with your own conscience, within your friendship groups and family gatherings. There are some words which are too difficult to get out, because you know that once spoken they can never be retrieved and put back in hiding. There are some things you only want to have to tell once, if ever, and preferably never if that option is available. So this post is not to dissect the meanings of a young man's death, but maybe to ask each of us what is life worth and to that end, in the end, what is death worth? Can we live by the motto that each second must count, filled with excitement, joy, productivity, or can we slip into quiet submission of routine and regularity, never expecting the worst and unprepared, with many unfulfilled wishes, when it happens?

Annually, or more frequently, I have an epiphany when I decide I really must stop fucking around and get on with my life. At 27 years of age it is high time to know what you want and how to get it. Even if that goal changes in a wee whiley or is dull once achieved, at least let there be drive and passion and determination to succeed; at least don't let the endless days drift on by as unloved and forgotten leaves from a year-tree, comfortable that there are many more seasons and many new leaves to count on, that there is no hurry since you can wait until next spring for the leaves of life to matter, to make the most of then, of now.

How foolish, how reckless to waste the now. How reckless not to be reckless, not to be brave and not to try. This young man was extraordinary, yet will his loss impact more of us more profoundly than a longer life might have done? Will there be more lessons learned from this sad day than by seeing him mature further and grow old, as so many had planned for him to do? What a terrible thought to consider the end of his life more affective than the living of it.

Writing a condolence message to his family was as difficult as one might imagine it would be. I wanted to convey how amazing he was and how missed he would be. But I was conscious that reminding them of the greatness that was lost would only open further the wounds and protract the healing. Would it be better not to spin anecdotes of the fun times, or should they know for sure how special he was to everyone he met? I chose the latter. I painted a picture in words of the last time I saw him amidst his University friends, how treasured he was. It seems strangely fitting that my abiding memory of this energetic man is of him crammed in a bunch of excited people moshing on a dance floor, many with glow-sticks raised high. He is the centre of attention as old friends swarm to greet him; he is loved.

A marvellous man of magic

A very nice man has provided instructions on how to jazz up your blog and make it super-lovely by giving you an extra column. He also helpfully discusses why 3 columns are better than 2 (or one!). Please check him out here.

Suprising things

Some surprising things:

Michael Winner's article about him working as Santa then crying.

After a fight someone takes a major dump in their beloved's bathroom before a planned luxurious soak - when they knew damn well that they were going to be using the room for an extended period for relaxation.

The fact that my usually long nails have been mysteriously breaking which to me is a mythical sign that lesbo-action is on the cards.

That I was the only femme at the ylaf (apart from the organiser's girlfriend) - long hair, long nails and short skirts - and why shaven female heads signal illness, dykeness and madness...

How my chocolate advent calendar is not a paragon of equality and justice: the cracker shaped chocs are narrow and no deeper or greater in any other quality/quantity (see website above for multitude options of such), than the other shapes which are in general bigger and thus more chocolaty... I think this might be a perverse lesson in restraint, being grateful for what one has, etc.

MRKH: A story

A terrifically important video has been produced highlighting the very real issues with persons affected by MRKH. Everyone ought to see this in a sex ed class at high school and doctors should have it in their training. A valuable insight to a little researched condition.

Movies I suddenly remembered I wanted to see and why it might explain romantic heartache...

There are never any wasted hours on the internet... I'm always learning something, even if it's just new ways in which to properly waste time, like watching the movies I always said, 'I must see that one day' but never did. The major example is California Man (or Encino Man, I think, to our North American chums) - I had wanted to see that for AGES and it took a good decade until I finally saw it advertised as coming soon on tv that I remembered that I had always wanted to see it. How can things that seem so very crucial slip out of, not only, the mind's eye, but our heart? If I think back, I can remember vividly that I desperately wanted to see that movie: Brendan Fraser, cave man, Los Angeles... what isn't there to love about that combo? Yet when not immediately reminded that it even existed in our Universe (it wasn't so popular in the UK that people were wearing t.shirts or sporting California Man pencil cases and satchels to school - maybe they never made them... hmm, that seems a bit sad...) one can forget that one ever had such an intense feeling. Perhaps it is the same with romantic partners - when they are not around you might feel less loving towards them and therefore more willing to engage in behaviour that might be prevented if there was a constant reminder of their presence in your life - like a wedding ring, or their name tattooed on your writing hand...

Anyway back to the movies... To prevent myself ever truly forgetting these classic cinematic contributions I think a list of links here is entirely appropriate. Not only can I guarantee not to lose this list, but seeing it here whenever I post will give me the requisite metaphorical kick-up the backside to do something about them - like rent them or plague friends until they offer to loan me their copies. There are, of course, many many books, albums and pieces of art that I also want to read/hear/see, but today we shall focus on the televisual.

He's Just Not That Into You
The Rainmaker
I Love You, I Love You Not
How to Make an American Quilt
In Cold Blood
A Cock and Bull Story
All Over Me
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
Flatland - actually it might be Flatland: The Movie
Go Fish
History of the World: Part I
Horton Hears a Who!
Let It Ride
Rent
Rushmore
Scoop
Tony N' Tina's Wedding
We Own the Night

When I actually get around to seeing them, I'll write a wee review - it wont be based on an understanding of film history or the cultural relevance of this, that and the other, but they will be well-intentioned - and I think that is enough, don't you?

Let there be light!

Because labels are for clothing, not people

Bling and Bing

Whilst planning my pre-Christmas party for all those lovely people that I wont see again until 2009 (the theme this year is ghetto/grotto fabulous; audacious use of tinsel is encouraged) D-Man was at it again: Scissor Sisters, Shakespeare's Sister and dying a little death... A stream of consciousness not entirely unrelated to his recent pimping efforts... 'Can I watch?' kind of theme...

Moving away from such crudity (which I think you will agree deserved no response), I thought it fitting to bestow festive gifts on the cyber-world. Here then is a list of very fabulous websites for your intellectual delight...

...concerning Gender/LGBTQQ/Queer/Identity/Orientation/Sexuality
1. A journal of awesomeness...art and queer theory, what more do you need?
2. An article on bi-dyke, the terminology that caused D-Man so much befuddlement t'other day
3. Riese's very awesome article at The L Word inspired OurChart site
4. The Journal of Bisexuality for those that want a dip into the warm waters of academic advancement...
5. Helpful list of orientation/gender/sexuality definitions - if these are even possible!

Also a veritable panoply of options for sustaining your inner geekery
1. A fabulous list of weird words I would never have come across if it wasn't for Wikipedia.
2. An amazing application for converting any measurement into any other - nautical rhumbs, homesteads, picofarads, nybbles, kips, scruples-force, kiloponds, dynes angstroms, femtometers, smoots, metric slugs, pennyweights troy, torr, dracontic months, kilderkins, chaldrons...Scrabble championships here I come!
3. A truly awesome bunch of people who for a bit of cash can immeasurably improve your existence...
4. Need to build a robot? No problem, this site has all you need.
5. Tired of your robot, fancy your chances as a megalomaniacal mayor - then build your own city...

Hopefully these tidbits will help while away a few moments of an otherwise monotonous day!

Hasta tarde!

It's a fair cop, Guv'nor. You've got me bang to rights and no mistake.

So, I briefly considered a wee introduction about myself, my life, my project, but I thought blow that, let's just jump right in! You guys will grasp what's going on quick enough... For those that need a hook to continue reading let it suffice to say that this fledgling blog is going to cover every bizarre, unexpected and controversial (to some) conversation, thought and experience that form a good proportion of my existence. I'm not crazy, it's just that the people around me are...

Today's weirdness is courtesy of D-man and his attempts to pimp me out... No, I'm serious - he has this pal who is thinking of trying lesbianism (based on some rubbish experiences with men and a current interest in exploring sapphic tendencies...). Here follows our facebook chat conversation - since this is my first post I thought I would be lazy and just ctrl+c this bad boy. A cheat? Yeah, maybe, but at least you know my standards from the off.

After an extended foray into the varying benefits of pillow-talk referencing one's own or one's partner's genitalia (i.e Which is sexier - talking about your own bits or that of your current bed-mate's?) and how my preference indicates likelihood of being a fully-blown lesbo as opposed to a pretty balanced bisexual (which I always assumed I was), I came to the conclusion at 2:49pm that I am fascinated by sexuality. I worried that it was a reflection of how much/little I was getting - that there might be an (in)verse relationship - but now I think it is actually just something that interests me. Everything from the use of sexual practice to create new life or to self-identify & determine one's own orientation, to the use of orgasm as artistic exploration - I am fascinated by it all. There are so many options, diversions, perversions. You can never summarise or collate. There are innumerable bastardisations and derivations. Like a very fine fractal diagram eternally diverging/converging. Rather poetic, no?

My partner in crime (D-Man) was happy to discuss the issue... but first there was one matter to clear up - my academic education thus far not being in anything remotely related... Would this stop me from talking about such things? Not on your nelly. Having taken courses in mostly science subjects since age 16 I'm not really best placed to comment on such culturally-created concepts as gender, orientation, etc. But I wasn't going to let a little thing like that hold be back.

Luckily I have found management (in which I have my university degree and current PhD research) to be an appropriately interdisciplinary subject. It is about managing expectations, goals, people, processes and power - all the facets of sexual exploration; it isn't just about running a company.

After half an hour of banter about gender-expression and related topics we had to briefly part company but we were soon back in the swing of things...

3:08pmD-Man
brb
3:17pmD-Man
sorry about that
was it terrible without me?
3:17pmBioGal
actually I have been busy self-identifying as a bi-dyke
was v hard work
3:18pmD-Man
as in you were evaluating whether you want to do away with cock completely?
3:28pmD-Man
or does that mean something entirely more scandalous?
3:28pmBioGal
no no
I was learning the definition of bi-dyke and seeing if it fitted me mentally
or at least if it fitted me mentally right now
and I think it might
3:29pmD-Man
what is a bi-dyke?
3/4 for girls, 1/4 for boys?
3:30pmBioGal
sort of, a bisexual woman who is more queer/lesbo/woman identified - i.e. feels more comfortable in that community than the str8 one

Then [whilst dashing to the loo] thinking back to the prospect of being the one to introduce D-Man's pal to homosexy shenanigans, I remembered my own initial lesbi-friendly flirtations and those of several ladies for whom I was their first lady-lover... and decided to proclaim them as fact. Luckily D-Man didn't seem to notice or care that I offered no basis for purporting these things to be true other than my own personal experience...

the weird thing is women who are thinking about trying lady-love prefer their potential partner to be bi(curious)
they do not want a fully-fledged dyke
they want a shared interested in men, a mutual get-out clause
in fact part of the initial flirting routine of women attempting tentative lady-love is to share/compare guy preferences
talking about muscles, sweaty sporty men
as if it sets foundations for later retreats when the lady-love isn't successful
'I told you I preferred Jean-Claude Van Damme type-men - it isn't you, it's just that I prefer muscly men'
maybe it is less of a rejection to say it is a lack of interest in lesbianism rather than 'I do want to be snogging a woman but just not if the woman is you'
3:35pmBioGal
I guess also that establishing one's interest and experience with men means it is less intimidating when you get to the nitty-gritty - you are not expected to be awesome at loving women as it is so foreign
anyway, they were my thoughts in your absence
3:37pmD-Man
wow
that's a lot to process
3:37pmD-Man
not quite as sexy as the rest of the conversation, i have to be honest
3:39pmBioGal
I had better fuck off and let you do some work... sorry for chewing your cyber-ear off

... and there our conversation ended. D-Man had to run to his radio show and I wandered in search of food-based sustenance - The word of the Lord might fill some bellies (Ezekiel 3:3), but He wasn't feeling chatty and I craved chocolate...

Until next time, hombres!