Smoothie-goodness

Three satsumas and a banana with a glass of water to emolify (emoliate and mollify - I thought there would be a word like this but no!) - delicioso!

Also: Great organic, fair trade, super-lovely online store: www.simplyfair.co.uk - MASSIVE sale! Boxes of 25 teabags for 10p! AMAZING!

Further ideas for future career - please note that there is no need for me to make any money in this way, as I am lucky enough to be independently wealthy thanks to my very hard-working family, however, I would obviously like them to add happiness and fulfillment to my life as well as improving the world at large:
Clothes designer/manufacturer
Model - either by going to Japan and getting one of those instant contracts all blondes get offered, or by signing myself up for speciality shoots - maybe torsos, or necks for showcasing jewellery - maybe those 'ordinary model' agencies...
Flotilla Hostess/Captain
Guide on holiday/clubbing trips with deafblind or deaf people like Mandy
Sensory foster carer/Sensory respite care centre manager
Academia and book-writing - this is actually the one to which I am heading right now
Dancer/entertainer, or hostess at such a venue (bar, club, restaurant, cafe)
Corporate or government advisor
Speed-dating/matchmaking service for disabled people
'Religious' minister/vicar
Marriage celebrant
Security consultant
School headmistress
Palliative care consultant

Oh, and whilst channelling the Bard, I was thinking many deep cod-Shakespearean thoughts:
Where dost thou go? T'is nearer to trek the world's width than to ask favours of thine children. Never was it necessary, when seed did care for the flower in its autumn days. But with each new moon the fervour increases; A fever in the breast that compels to obtain for thine own use that which is destined for thine fathers. And on the day when the well runs dry, and strong hands abandon the mill to fetch water from further afield, the calf will protect and suckle the bull and the steer as they did in their day for the calf.

I also hope to set up the following activities: Best garden in a saucer; Orangery producing own juice.

Movie comparisons:
Erin Brockovich vs. Silkwood: Corporate chemical catastrophe costs lives
Mulan vs. The Worst Witch - young girl having to save the day after being rejected by peers

Words I want to incorporate in my thesis:
abnegate: to deny oneself something
accrete: to grow together; form around/on something
acoupe: to blame, accuse
acrasial: adj excessive, disordered, irregular
adamantine: adj stubborn, resistant to persuasion
adjuvant: adj helpful, ancillary
adonize: to beautify or adorn oneself
adumbrate: vb indicate or describe outline of something
adventitious: adj accidental, unintentional
acolaust: noun Derived from the Greek, the word acolastic(ke) means "a prodigall person" or "one that liveth under no correction, riotous." An acolastic is "incorrigible, not better by chastisement." These are all 17th century usages. The definition given by the OED of acolaust is "One the revels in sensual pleasures (like the prodigal of the parable)," as indicated by the 17th century quotation: "The acolaust loathes the service of that churl, that allowed him no better diet than husks."
tziganologist studies Hungarian gypsies.
euphony
sybarite
voluptuary
prescient
desultory
importunate
fiascoid (fiasco-like)
dilatory
dilotante (S.Plath's spelling - actually, dilettante)
aquiline
phalanx
beignet (type of French doughnut)
provenance
emaciated
faddish
flaccid
imbecilic
verjus (acidic juice from unripe grapes - Middle French = green juice)
ostensibly

Sometimes I feel like Corky, sometimes I feel like Violet.

I guess the question is, do I ever have to really choose? If I don't like labels (and there are plenty of others who agree with me on that sentiment) then maybe I can (not) assume different labels on different days, hours, whenever...

I think I would like to copy Daniela Sea and travel in another country in the guise of a boy (as she did in India) - I would feel safer and would probably get more access to certain areas...

Hip-hop homophobia?

Amongst others there is a relevant blog, but the commentators seem a bit wide of the mark to me. With regard to music with supposedly homophobic lyrics, there was a suggestion that they are 'just word' and thus not influential. I said:
I worry that by ignoring 'just words' that they might drip feed into people's minds and actually become an accepted and acceptable 'ideology'. References to violence that glamorise and encourage deadly conflict, torture, harassment and victimisation cannot be supported. I don't buy music or movies that depict violence as normal, but as the ultimate and damaging response to extreme situations. I think it is normalised references to violence and aggression that engender fear and hatred in our society. We should be preventing any reference to violence (physical or verbal) and directed disrespect for an individual or a group of persons in popular media - music, tv, films, magazines, online communities, graffiti. Anything with a message of unprovoked violence being good, beneficial, the only answer, necessary should be countered with images of the aftermath - the suffering of the beaten child, the raped teenager, the abused geriatric, the victimised family, the slandered community. I think we ignore subtle, unimportant references to violence and discrimination as 'just words' at our peril.

As the brave Sandhurst Comprehensive from Berkshire promotes in their annual trip to Auschwitz, 'Don't be a bystander - stand up to bigotry and bullying'. The Anne Frank Declaration should be promoted in every school, in every home.

Racism in a queer world: fact or fiction?

Now I consider myself a film-fan, not a buff (my knowledge of directors, lighting, sound tracks is lacking) and not a connoisseur (my taste is not refined - I do not prefer Bergman films to ones starring Jim Carey - in fact it is usually exactly the opposite) - but I do watch a lot. On a good day (or bad day if you are my supervisor and want me to be finishing my sodding PhD) I watch three - most likely I have seen them before, because I like the comfort of popping in a video (yes, VHS wins hands down over DVD right now as a local charity shop sells them for 20p each and there is nothing like a quick detour back from the library to pick up 6hrs of entertainment with enough change from a quid to buy a choccy bar; though my poor hearing and my fascination with words means the subtitles on the DVDs means it is a tough call when browsing my film shelves) and hearing the familiar dialogue and action in the background as I tackle more academic endeavours. The movies are normally ones that I have seen multiple times, otherwise the new scenes and plot will distract me. A familiar movie is much better to study along to than a music album, with which I will be tempted to type in tempo or sing along.

Given this self-belief in my film-fan status, I was surprised to see that I only own ten movies with an LGBTQQ theme or main character:
Ace Ventura Pet Detective
Crush
Bound
Kissing Jessica Stein
The Birdcage
Four Weddings and a Funeral
Orlando
East is East
Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe (I continue to hold that Idgie and Ruth had a non-straight romantic love for one another, perhaps Idgie more so than Ruth)
Unconditional Love (which I only own as I worked as an extra in it - though buying the DVD was a bit useless as our scenes were cut)
Priscilla Queen of the Desert
To Wong Foo, thanks for everything, love Julie Newmar

There are a handful of others with minor LGBTQQ characters or scenes or themes: The Shawshank Redemption, Dude, where's my car?,The Constant Gardener, American History X, etc. I have however watched a gazillion other movies which would broaden my meagre collection of ten if I should ever find them in that Age Concern charity shop.

My thought of the day is that racism and gender/sexuality/queer issues are rarely tackled together. Now I am either guilty of not watching enough movies (possible) or there really aren't many ethnically diverse queer characters and themes. East is East and To Wong Foo stand out - and it is only the latter that actually seems to tackle the race issue by making sure the comedy and clashes, arguments and insults are usually centred on the ethnic differences - racial slurs being bandied about maybe was designed to distract from the LGBTQQ issues and make it more accessible to a wider audience (men in dresses, ooh, no; men making jokes about swaybacks, honkies, etc, whilst wearing dresses, hmm, yeah, okay). There actually wasn't any real intelligent discussion about racial differences and what they meant to one another - maybe that was the point, to make it a non-issue as if racial dissimilarities within the queer world were not a problem so not worth talking about - which I think is codswallop - there is no rule to say those that are non-straight will ignore all other differences and bond together as one queer group - just see the mention of the black lesbian bars in that episode of The L Word (Life Cycle? - bike ride)...

Racism for me is about how one is judged badly, denied goods and services, treated less than others because a physical difference - manner of speaking, accent, skin colour, nose or eye shape, hair texture. This might be because of ethnicity (one's biological heritage - mine is mostly Scandinavian, I think) - but such differences might just as well be a result of illness, disability, accidental injury, as deliberate surgical enhancements and 'beauty treatments', random chance and natural gene pool diversity. I guess it is easy for me to comment on what it means to experience racism, as most would think it has never affected me. On census forms I would tick (if forced - for I hate labels and pigeonholing) white/Caucasian female (I guess I am genetically female, though I've never had a DNA test, and I feel mostly female - what ever that really means - and have done for the past 27 years). But I have dual-nationality, was born in a country that is 'traditionally' unpopular with its geographic neighbours - went to University in a country where being from the country that my accent sounds like it originated was a occasionally a desperately unpopular thing (only a few weeks back another blonde like me was beaten up because her accent, like mine, was not local - it was not the colour of her skin, it was the mere fact that she sounded like she had spent time, lived, was born, or had parents from another nearby rival country).

Why are there no significant black characters in movies? I have read that non-hetero lifestyles are taboo in many African-linked communities, either in the continent itself or in those Americanised families in the USA. I have African friends for whom homosexuality is a puzzle - they cannot understand why anyone would do that, they think it is a deliberate political/fashion statement rather than a genuine lifestyle choice (let's not argue here about whether living a non-str8 life is a choice or not - you can see this website for more information), they speak of men from their home village who never marry and do not have kids and they are seen as strange outsiders, unlucky in life, but not as having different romantic and sexual desires (see The Constant Gardener for a taste of this taboo and news story of people married to supposedly hide their gayness are being dobbed into the police in Zambia). I have read articles (research by man undercover about hip black homophobes actually being gay) and websites (see my comment after the video) that suggest that there is a not-so-subtle challenge to being queer in an ethnically-diverse neighbourhood/family. Though there are websites of support!

...and we are not talking about religion here - nothing about liturgical bans on queer behaviour and identities, there have been these issues (the Pope, the recent Iran survey and their President's opinion as expressed in USA about the lack of homosexuality in his country). This is not about a profound belief in morality based on faith in a higher power who has decreed what is acceptable and what is unacceptable in human behaviour. It is not about morality in the most part - when asked to identify why LGBTQQ issues are taboo in their culture/ethnic community/neighbourhood I don't imagine many would offer reasonable moral evidence about it innate evilness or intrinsic unacceptability. I expect the answer would be mostly, it is wrong, gross, not done, weird, unnatural, etc. There might be suggestions of it being offensive to look at (well you don't need to watch queer couples together - don't buy that sort of porn, don't hang out in the pink district if you don't want to see same-sex pecks on the cheek, holding of hands or snogging that obviously has a romantic or sexual meaning to those involved), you fear it will corrupt others into joining in or copying them - what is your worry that the species will die out if we are not all heterosexual and reproductive? Many straight couples don't help populate the earth, whereas many queer couples do. Are you worried that you will be asked or expected to join in? Are you fearful that you would be overpower and forced to engage in acts you find so distasteful? Do you think the likelihood of you being a victim of gay assault or rape is high?

I just don't understand what people are worried about. If it is simply the 'natural' instinct to heard with others who are similar and fear/avoid those who are different, then that is silly. We are not a planet of clones, we are all different - that is the beauty of us. Even monozygotic twins fancy different people, prefer different ice cream flavours, laugh at different jokes .

What is this obsession with labelling, then identifying with and huddling together those that are like us, and disregarding and fearing those that are not. In the end we are all on our own, we are all our own island, as we are all individual, there is no-one exactly like us to form a huddle. Why base these categories on physical differences? Black, fat, tall, bespectacled, big chin, dressed like a goth, mohican hair, posh accent, camp manner, feminine habits, etc.

It is all very confusing to me.

Musings...

I think my work-ethic can best be described as Spanish - mañana, mañana.

Also, when I've been using BSL for a while, when I start talking I construct sentences like Yoda would - I just can't seem to help myself.

Liquefy my love

No, not with lava but with a blender - four apricots and an orange, or a satsuma, two apricots and a handful of spinach - super-power smoothies to make you feel like you are doing something good New-Year's-Resolution styleeee, but really you are just using up old fruit.

When asked on another blog to name the one thing I was genuinely good at I failed the task by naming three, but actually it should be four: Onanism, Falling in love, Wasting hours link-surfing in Wikipedia, Being able to fall asleep anywhere... but I think these are useful skills - being able to recharge one's batteries physically, sexually, intellectually and emotionally - like being able to put yourself through an auto-spa and refresh yourself without needing any external stimulation, if you'll pardon the pun.

Randomly, I saw this on the internet and thought it hilarious:
"Twat did you say, I cunt hear you? Tits alright, bare-ass me again! Eh, we'll finger it out later."
I guess I really do have the sense of humour of a 12yr old boy!

Sleeping Beauty

He fell in love with her whilst she slept.
When her face was most relaxed; calm, not gussied up, with twinkling eye and flirtatious smile.
At her graceful repose, without artifice or deliberate pose, she lay enslumbered on the table. Golden wisps of hair spilling out of her barrette, soft skin warmed by the sunlight through the window. Slight flickerings to the eyelids as she dreams away.
She knew not the effect she had upon her watcher, her keeper.

Where did all the good girls go?

Empty, drunken, emotion-free sex is not about wanting to connect with people, desperate for some form of intimacy. It is a falsehood, an attempt to keep people at a distance, to stop oneself from feeling. It is the opposite. It is designed to ensure you do not feel, do not care, do not have others care about you. To feel the fear of falling and maybe getting lost is the scariest thing of all. So to obliterate any sense of communion, togetherness of humanity, to prevent others from seeing your frailties, failures and flaws, we enact bold, brazen sexual contracts, brief, meaningless and the antithesis of intimate. We ensure that we keep ourselves emotionally unavailable.

Que sera, sera

I don't want my life to be without: jazz hands, painted nails, costume jewellery, bargains, wacky make-up, sequins, foreign languages, reading, sushi, movies, salad, red wine, roaring fires, fresh fruit, writing, barbecues, giggles, dancing, restaurants, baking cakes, massages, beautiful shoes, pancakes, vintage clothes, photographs, swimming, art galleries and museums, Ready-Steady-Cooking, books, the smell of clean laundry, sailing, long baths, sunshine, green fields, beaches, hot tea, cold bed linen, oh, and love.

Latest in a long line of 'em...

"I want to cook and fuck": My new book for 21st century feminist-persuasion women to live and love - not a guide, but a plan of action, with academic debate - what is feminist, is it okay to want to be a wife [MiraMoo: All I want to do is come home and cook my man a huge steak]? What is reasonable sex without degrading a woman? Is it okay for her to allow herself to be degraded, prostituted, abused? Is it too much to expect us to bolster the heteronormative, patriarchal stereotypes, or do we need to be more resistant, more subversive, to be more active in our activism? Maybe I should ask this woman...

Suddenly the whole house was in uproar.
Susan vowed to disinherit her daughter if she became a rock star. And Viola vowed to disinherit her mother if she didn't, 'or I might disinherit you anyway, for trying to stop me - then where will all my millions go?' Both Viola and her mother knew quite well that rock stars tended to die young - 'But I don't want to outlive you' wailed her mother, however, upon reflection quickly realised her folly and consented to support her errant daughter's musical whimsy. 'Well, if you must, but your father's not going to like it.' And he didn't. He fumed in his study for two solid hours and refused to speak to Viola for a week. Eventually, on Thursday, he came round to his daughter's way of thinking when she explained that many rock stars received Royal Acclamations nowadays and that he, Martin Wodenbaum, might one day be Sir Martin. 'I suppose having a musician in the family might not be such a bad thing' he mused over dinner that evening. 'But we'll have to move, the apartment in South Ken, simply wont look right on the cover of Hello, or Musicians' Monthly, or whichever rag pays the most.'

What of the future, then?

In my fifth year of my PhD, I am having to seriously think about where my life is going and, if I don't like the direction, what I will need to do to change it. This requires me to have some understanding of what I want my ideal life to look like and what a realistic approximation would amount to.

I don't feel the need to have money accumulation as my life goal: 2 reasons - I think my parents' cash will last me and that I suspect that I wont survive until old age, I have the feeling that others will outlive me - because the idea of being at a close family member's funeral is too surreal, too unlikely, not being able to see myself in the cortege, or giving a eulogy, I cannot picture the graveside scene, the congregation; I can picture the pain, the grief, the numbness, the disbelief; but am I projecting or protecting myself? Having been to two funerals so far, of fairly close family members, I am about to go to another next week for a much closer family member. I cannot think about what it means; that life has left their body, that it is cold somewhere on a metal tray in a chilled locker - when I do think about it properly my heart breaks and I cry, because to truly understand loss is to know the depth of sadness of all those affected, to feel their hearts breaking in unison, and it is too much, it is too sad to be real. But it is; it is real. So where does that leave me, ever the arrogant, bring-it-back-to-me? My life feels empty, worthless and depressed since a bunch of things left my world - a constant love companion - not someone to be in my vicinity every minute, but a reliable person with whom to confide, with whom to laugh, with whom to make love, with whom to cuddle and fall asleep. I also miss volunteer work with disabled people - concentrating on finishing my PhD has made me realise that those activities gave me more pleasure than most other things with which I have occupied my time. Is it that they were free trips, so I was working the system and getting something (lots) for nothing? Was it that I was so experienced in the role that I was a (natural) leader and someone to whom the others could look up, then eventually an actual paid leader? Do I just like being in charge, being the organiser, having knowledge and skills valuable to others and therefore feeling important and needed? Or do I really like being useful, helping, getting a sense of accomplishment by making someone else's life better even if just for an hour, a day, a week? Or do I like using other languages, communicating in a new novel way, showing my skills to the others, to passersby admiring my skills, surely thinking how clever I am to be able to use my hands to express language - maybe going so far as to think I am such a good person to be giving my time to help unfortunates? SO is it just an ego trip, wanting to be a guardian angel? However, I do also like using Spanish as well as BSL, DeafBlind manual, a bit of Paget-Gorman, Welsh BSL, Scottish BSL, gesture - all methods of communicating with people with hearing loss/deafness (and sight loss/blindness/deafblindness). I do think about living in Spain - I like the lifestyle, the food, the weather, the wine, the buildings, the smell when I get off the plane of hot pavement and rich earth, the smell when walking in the market of spices and fried dough, the smell when walking down the restaurant lined city streets of grilled fish and good meat. I also like that everyone looks better with a tan - I'm sorry but they do - no more spots, just a smoothness - I know if they overdo it they will end up wrinkly, but a sprinkling of darkened melanin is great. I think I might like being in Spain because it feels like being in a secret club, knowing the language and being able to read the road signs, when my travelling companions cannot - they rely on me, and I can show off... All about me... I like hearing myself speak Spanish, I like being able to read the free newspapers...

I also like hostessing: having people over for parties - making drinks, putting up decorations, choosing a theme, getting the right outfit, laying on nibbles, designing a play list; dinners - seating plans, menus, conversation; formal events - is it that I like to be in charge, since I prefer to host an event than leave my house to attend one elsewhere? - I am not agoraphobic, but I don't like to go out in the dark/cold/wet, I don't like paying for a taxi, I like being able to pop on my slippers after spending the first hours in heels, I like being able to pop to my bathroom to reapply lipstick/deodorant, but I do not like people rooting through my stuff - I am convinced they might steel something as a souvenir given the chance, so I lock most room doors and I put away my treasures, I don't like people going into my kitchen to make their own drinks, I am the hostess, that is my job, I think it must be that I am a control freak, I also like them coming and leaving a bottle of wine when they go so that I have supplies for the next gig... I like gathering my diverse group of friends and acquaintances, I like seeing if they get along, if they are shocked by each other, who will get drunk and tell an outrageous story about me - I guess I like the events to be about me and therefore others' parties are not going to focus on me - I even ensure the games we play are those that I either excel at or am hilariously bad at - ensuring that the attention is again on me. Perhaps I should go into performance, I am funny, but I do not have the passion or drive to strive for this goal, I am not particularly interested in it; I do not wake wanting to be on stage - I like to sing, act, dance, perform in any way, but I don't feel a need burning inside me - and to survive rejections and auditions would require that I think, plus there is so much competition, that doing well, surviving and being a success, making any money would be practically impossible, I am attractive enough, but not such a stunner with such talent that I would sell a million concert/movie tickets, albums, etc.

So where does that leave me? - wanting to ensure my life includes hostessing, working with the disadvantaged, employing various languages - charity work - and also ensuring minimal negative impact on the planet, or if possible a positive impact, maybe I can ensure all my businesses are donating to the right causes or planting trees, building hospitals, etc. Or maybe I can be in the Foreign Service; I'd make a great ambassador or ambassadress (spouse of the big cheese). I think it is probably time for a lesbian couple to be in some embassy somewhere running the show and representing Britishness. I love dressing up; if I had a formal function five nights a week I would be delighted - loads of excuses to wear one of my vintage dresses then brag that it cost £1 in a charity shop, do my hair in some extravagant, unusual way, wow the crowds, schmooze the big wigs, be nice to the waiters, compliment the hostess and the chef, tell jokes, amuse the other guests, leave them thinking 'Golly, she was rather lovely' - maybe they would think me so much fun that I would be invited to all their parties and I would become everyone's pal... not in sharing and being close, but one of those people always ready to add colour and liveliness to any social gathering. I do make sure that whenever I am late somewhere that I have a great reason/excuse - a hilarious story is good, or an amazing bit of news/gossip to distract from my rude tardiness. I think ambassadorial work would suit me - dressing up, hostessing, being friendly to strangers, learning the intricacies of new cultures, promoting British traditions and manners, being non-committal about likes/dislikes, being neutral on most topics, or saying something banal and meaningless when asked a tricky question - how do you like the fondue/my new shoes/Stephen's haircut? =Did you get the recipe from a book or from a favourite website? I've been searching for a cookery website for years - I saw it a while back and lost the address and cannot find it again for love nor money (distract and move conversation back to me - I am convinced they are not really interested in my opinion of their fondue, they were just making filler conversation and trying to find something to say)/Oh, are they new shoes - did he score the soles to prevent slippage? I hear that is one of the key pieces of advice given to grooms before the big day - wouldn't that be awful falling over during the first dance? (also employing the fact that as a blonde I might be forgiven for being ditsy and forgetting that there was an original question which had been ignored/forgotten)/Is Stephen going for a job interview? Isn't there some old wives tale about the days on which one should cut one's hair for particular types of good luck (this is a bit cruel and might be employed with neurotic people who you don't care if you send them off worrying that a Thursday cut brings love happiness rather than career success)...

SO a life with these factors sounds good, but I would want to be able to be around and/or raise children, write, design and make beautiful and fun things with which to decorate my cave/home, watch movies, spend most of my time outside in the sunshine (not too hot - I don't like to sweat), swim and dance a lot, avoid being in cars or having to learn to drive, eat lovely food, hopefully organic, even better if grown myself, wear gorgeous unusual clothes with the happiness of knowing that there is no-one else in the world wearing exactly that outfit right now...

I worry that this is a lot to ask, when some people just don't want to be hungry, cold, in pain, afraid, or alone.